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Christmas Cracker Quiz                                                                                     Dec 2010   



 A QUIZ TO DRIVE YOU 'CRACKERS'

 Last year, Christmas cracker firm Swantex dropped dozens of jokes,  including mother-in-law gags and references to animal cruelty, in  favour of more ‘politically correct’ alternatives.  However, the  Christmas cracker joke is still going strong and every year at the  Christmas dinner table, there is always someone who impresses those  present with an ability to answer questions such as 'Why does Santa  have three gardens?' (So that he can Ho. Ho, Ho.) If you are that  smart and confident Master of the Cracker then we have a bit of a  challenge for you. To take up that challenge, scroll down.




BEFORE YOU BEGIN

As you are well aware, Christmas cracker humour is usually based on word-play and puns. A pun is "to use a word in a double sense, especially when the contrast of ideas is ludicrous". The following examples illustrate this and also demonstrate the 'groan factor' usually associated with cracker jokes.

Which athlete is warmest in winter? 

A long jumper.

Which dog is the most expensive of all? 
A dear hound!


Now you can start the quiz below.





THE GREAT KILMARNOCK ACADEMY CHRISTMAS CRACKER QUIZ - December 2010

1. Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

2. Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

3. Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!

4. What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
 
Bourneville and Dean

5. What's a specimen? 
An Italian astronaut

6. What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? 
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

7. What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? 
Russell

8. What do you call a man with a pole through his leg? 
Rodney

9. Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? 
He's a fun guy to be with.

10. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? 
He had low elf-esteem.

11. Who was England's first chiropodist? 
William the Corncurer

12. Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? 
Because the Bible says He Brews.

13. What's the longest word in the English language? 
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

14. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

15. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

16. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

17. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

18. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

19. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

20. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.

21. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

22. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

23. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

24. How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

25. What do you get after it has been taken? 
Your photograph

26. What do you get if you cross a river with a bike? 
Wet feet.

27. Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard? 
A barber!

28. Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!

Waiter: Off? Where to?


29. What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!


30. What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!


31. What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!


32. What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!


33. What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!


34. What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!


35. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!


36. What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
Moby Duck!

37. What drink do frogs like best?
Croaker-cola!

38. What flower can you eat?
A cauli-flower!

39. What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'

40. What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

41. What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

42. What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

43. Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!

44. Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

45. Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

46. What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

47. What's purple and shouts "Help"? 
A damson in distress.

48. How do you spell hungry horse with four letters? 
M.T.G.G.

49. Why is a map of Europe like a frying pan? 
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

50. What question can you never answer YES to? 
Are you asleep?






ONCE YOU HAVE FINISHED, SCROLL DOWN TO CHECK YOUR ANSWERS.






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I SAID, 'ONCE YOU HAVE FINISHED'...... NO SNEAKY PEEKS!





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THE GREAT KILMARNOCK ACADEMY CHRISTMAS CRACKER QUIZ - ANSWERS

1. Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

2. Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

3. Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!

4. What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
 
Bourneville and Dean

5. What's a specimen? 
An Italian astronaut

6. What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? 
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

7. What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? 
Russell

8. What do you call a man with a pole through his leg? 
Rodney

9. Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? 
He's a fun guy to be with.

10. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? 
He had low elf-esteem.

11. Who was England's first chiropodist? 
William the Corncurer

12. Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? 
Because the Bible says He Brews.

13. What's the longest word in the English language? 
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

14. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

15. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

16. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

17. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

18. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

19. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

20. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.

21. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

22. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

23. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

24. How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

25. What do you get after it has been taken? 
Your photograph

26. What do you get if you cross a river with a bike? 
Wet feet.

27. Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard? 
A barber!

28. Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!

Waiter: Off? Where to?


29. What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!


30. What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!


31. What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!


32. What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!


33. What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!


34. What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!


35. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!


36. What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
Moby Duck!

37. What drink do frogs like best?
Croaker-cola!

38. What flower can you eat?
A cauli-flower!

39. What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'

40. What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

41. What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

42. What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

43. Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!

44. Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

45. Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

46. What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

47. What's purple and shouts "Help"? 
A damson in distress.

48. How do you spell hungry horse with four letters? 
M.T.G.G.

49. Why is Europe like a frying pan? 
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

50. What question can you never answer YES to? 
Are you asleep?