1. Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!
2. Which animal should you not play cards with?
3. Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!
4. What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
5. What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
6. What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
7. What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
8. What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
9. Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
10. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
11. Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
12. Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.
13. What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
14. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
15. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
16. What kind of paper likes music?
17. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
18. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
19. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
20. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
21. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
22. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
23. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
24. How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!
25. What do you get after it has been taken?
26. What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?